Gotta Go? Hail a Mobile Toilet with your Smartphone

MoveMent’s Port-a-Potties are Pret-a-Porter

The newest smartphone-based startup to hit the streets of San Francisco promises to be Number One – and Number Two. Maybe Number Three as well. It’s all up to you.

As everyone knows, there are two problems with public bathrooms. First, good luck finding one. Second, once you find one, from the condition it is probably in you might wish you hadn’t.

Starting in September, San Francisco-based MoveMent will be rolling out its mobile toilet service—yes, you read that correctly—with a fleet of ten specialized vans that will roll up to you wherever you need them. Sort of like a delivery service, except that, well, you’re the one who will be making the delivery.

“There is an obvious need for on-demand toiletry service, and we are the ones who will supply it,” noted MoveMent CEO Malcolm Freely. “Think of us as the Uber of on-demand toilet service.”

Much like Uber, MoveMent’s vans will be summonable using a Google-maps based smartphone app, available now in Beta for iPhone and coming soon for Android. Unlike most public restrooms you will ever encounter, these are promised to be kept sparkly clean, wiped down thoroughly after each use by the driver-attendant. Again like Uber, amenities such as magazines and free bottled water will be available for patrons. The final Uber-esque touch will be the price – $10 for the first minute, and $5 for each minute thereafter. A quick “whiz” will not come cheap, and any extended session is bound to be quite expensive.

“When you gotta go, you gotta go,” commented Freely, “so why not go in style?”

Even such a novel business concept as mobile toilets is not without ready competitors. MoveMent already faces competition from PowderCar, a “sharing economy” startup that relies on a fleet of informal drivers offering the use of their private vehicles for those needing toilet time. This plan has already roused the suspicion of local health regulators who have voiced concerns over safety issues and the potential spread of disease through the use of unlicensed vehicles as port-a-potties. Carla Dauber, Director of Social Media for PowderCar, argued that such arguments are rooted in the past, and are promulgated by entrenched interests seeking to protect the established waste disposal industry.

“Our method is actually much safer, because it’s totally social,” she added. “In the past your toilet time was spent alone, shut off from society. Now our system will be totally integrated with Twitter and with your Facebook Timeline. PowderCar will post your status updates automatically, and you can share with friends using Vine.”

Movement’s Freely was dismissive of PowderCar as a meaningful competitor. “We are the Uber of poop,” he sniffed, “those guys are more like the Lyft of poop.”

Abby Cadabby Creamed By Crypto-Cabby

San Francisco – A spokesperson for the Children’s Television Workshop has confirmed that Abby Cadabby, a beloved star of the children’s television program Sesame Street, was struck and killed by the driver of a “Lyft” taxi in San Francisco’s Mission district recently. Cadabby was identified from dma samples taken from body parts which were found lodged in the grille of the car. Positive identification of the remains had been delayed due to the unrecognizable condition of her body, due to what was apparently an extremely violent case of muppetslaughter. The CTW spokesperson cautioned that parents may want to avoid sharing the full details of Cadabby’s passing with young fans of the late actress. Cadabby was three years old, and in training to be a fairy.

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Police caution that there have been numerous reports of other “ride-sharing” vehicles allegedly running down muppets. San Francisco officials seem to have lost control of the number of unregulated and unsupervised vehicles plying for hire in that city. Reports indicate that there are not enough taxis available to meet demand in San Francisco, due to a lack of licensed taxi drivers resulting from recent requirements that cabdrivers undergo mandatory drug screening. This has led city and cab company officials to consider desperate measures, such as bussing in drivers from distant locations, outside the Bay Area, where it is hoped that sober drivers can be found. In the meantime, many of the former taxi drivers now reputedly work for “Lyft” and similarly companies, which promote a more lax, drug-friendly culture.

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Rumors circulated that Elmo, a former colleage of Cadabby’s who recently lost his job on the same television show, had moved to San Francisco to work for an unlicensed taxi service, and thus was suspected to have some involvement with the case. WCN reporters have ascertained that while the former muppet star does in fact now reside in San Francisco, he drives for a different “ridesharing” service than the driver involved in Cadabby’s death.